The cost of being liked by everyone

If you want to be liked by everyone, I have bad news: After a while you may forget who you are. Because the mechanism of being liked by everyone is extremely simple. Do not object. Do not make anyone uncomfortable. Do not say anything too strong. Do not say the thing one group dislikes in front of the other group. File down your edges. Adjust your voice. Soften your view.

Take a different shape in every room. Then people find you very easy to get along with. Wonderful. There is no longer a distinct person there for anyone to like.

Being liked is not a bad thing

This piece is not meant to be read as an antisocial manifesto. Being liked is good. A person is a social creature. They want friendship. They want family. They want community. They want to be appreciated. The problem is not affection itself. It is affection turning into the criterion for a decision. The moment you start making a decision by asking what people will say rather than whether it is right, control slowly moves outside of you.

Approval is an invisible currency

People notice easily what they do for money. What they do for approval is harder to see. You do not say your view in a meeting. You do not end a relationship. You cannot say no to a friend. You do not publish something. You do not make a decision. Why? The price is social. “They will misunderstand me.” “They will not like me.” “They will call me arrogant.” “If I fail they will laugh.”

People know their financial debts. They know their social debts less well.

Strong ideas divide by nature

If an idea makes nobody uncomfortable, there are two possibilities. Either you said something extremely universal. Or you said nothing at all. “Being good is good.” “We should all improve.” “Success takes work.” Who is going to disagree? Who is going to remember? Who is going to associate you with it? Authority is not made only of giving correct information.

It needs a recognisable way of reasoning. And that sometimes requires being disagreed with.

A personal brand is not everyone liking you

Most modern personal brand advice renders people sterile. Be professional. Be positive. Do not get into an argument. Do not annoy anyone. Be grateful for every success. Take a lesson from every failure. The result is a hundred thousand identical people on LinkedIn. The same tone. The same words. The same success stories. The same “5 lessons I learned”. That way you can be safe.

You will not be memorable.

Uncontrolled provocation is not power either

There is another stupidity waiting at the opposite end. Speaking purely to annoy people. Insulting. Opposing everything. The performance of being different. That is not authority. It is an addiction to attention. Speaking according to whether people like you is externally dependent, and speaking according to whether they hate you is just as externally dependent.

In both the audience is running you. Real independence is knowing the reaction and still being able to say what you believe is right.

The yes of someone who never says no is cheap

This holds in personal relationships too. If you say yes to everything, people will not know the value of your yes. If you go to every invitation, your coming is not special. If you accept every project, you have no selectivity. If you take every client, your pricing power drops. If you agree with every view, the weight of your opinion falls. A boundary can create status.

Because a boundary is the capacity to accept a cost. Saying no is the risk of losing something. Which is why no is an expensive word, economically and socially.

People will misunderstand you

You cannot escape it. However much you explain. Someone will read you through their own past. Through their own fears. Through their own ambition. Through their own envy. Through their own experience. They will see one of your sentences and write the remaining hundred pages in their head. Trying to control that completely is madness. You can express yourself clearly.

But you cannot make everyone understand you correctly. So one of the important thresholds in life is developing a tolerance for the possibility of being misunderstood.

Not being liked has a cost

Let us not romanticise this. Fighting people unnecessarily can damage your career. Reputation matters. Diplomacy is valuable. Social intelligence matters. Being rude and calling it “this is who I am” is not character. But diplomacy and spinelessness are different things. You can work on how you say your view. Changing the view itself for applause is another matter.

If everyone likes you

Perhaps you really are an extraordinary person. But check another possibility as well: Have you given nobody sufficient reason not to like you? Have you not said anything clear enough? Have you not taken a decision important enough? Have you not tried anything big enough? Have you not set a boundary firm enough? Because real decisions create conflicts of interest.

If you run a company you reject somebody's idea. If you run a brand you choose not to target some customers. If you live a life you say no to some people. Every preference is also an exclusion.

Authority is not the same thing as popularity

Some people are liked but not listened to. Some are not liked but are listened to. Some are both liked and listened to. The last one may be ideal. But it is not always available. Authority is not people liking you, it is people taking what you say seriously. The two should not be confused.

Without your own centre you fall into someone else's orbit

Pleasing everyone is not possible. But a person tries anyway. They end up being a different person in every room. In the short term that can bring social success. In the long term it is exhausting. Because character requires continuity. What you defend today you have to remember tomorrow. Playing a role consumes more RAM.

Let people like you

But do not make it the goal. Do good work. Treat people well. Listen. Change your mind. Apologise when you should. None of that is weakness. But at some point accept this: Some people will not like what you do. Some will find you arrogant. Some, too assertive. Some, too cold. Some, too ambitious. Some, too quiet. Whatever you do, they will find an adjective. So do not turn your own character into a public opinion survey.

Because the real cost of being liked by everyone is sometimes heavier than being hated. Becoming a stranger to yourself.